warning for some mild depreciating talk and touchy subjects, this is a diary after all
diary
15/05/24<3 forever doomed
spent most of today in an anxiety filled haze. chest pains and shit. I got home from the library and keeled over and fell asleep. I didn't even notice how badly my body was asking for rest until my eyes started closing on their own. when do things start to get better
13/05/24<3 i STILL keep biting my damn lips (they're bleeding now...)
Shits still fucked but no one ever said it'd be easy, I'm fighting. How damn long does it take for antidepressants to kick in properly geez. On a lighter note, I wanna re-do some parts of my site. I feel like I've boxed myself into a layout rather than expressing myself at the moment, I might have to take some CSS books home with me to figure out how to do it myself though. Wish me luck.
03/05/24<3 i keep biting my damn lips
I got off the therapy waitlist, though its more of an online self help course, I'll still give it a shot. Shits still really weird with my life, but I have a friend nearby now! I haven't known anyone local in over 3 years so I'm hoping things will look upwards, at least a little.
28/04/24<3 standstill
Life's really weird, the more I work to repair the more distant from it all I feel. I'm trying to build new hobbies, but theyre all so dull without anyone else around LOL
18/04/24<3 checking in
I apologise for the previous entries, I've not been in a good place mentally but I have started taking medication. And I'm working to take my life more seriously, look after myself better.
I have been depressed and a lot of big life changes have knocked me off my feet. Which is a shame, because I love spring and most of it has passed me by
11/03/24<3sitting in a uni lecture!!!
I'm sitting in on a friend's lecture hehe
feeling lonely, despite everyone's care, despite spending the weekend with a beloved friend. I hate the childish response I have to my loved ones moving on. its tough no longer being someone's favourite. but I'm trying (and struggling) to be cool about it. I feel like I've been dropped down the side of the bed, maybe I'll be picked back up eventually, maybe I need to make myself cozy between the frame and the wall. I don't know, but I do love analogies.
I'm home now, and realising how alone I am. I hold a closeness like I used to with nobody anymore. I miss my friends, I wanna go back to my friends house I couldn't muster the courage to hug her as much as I should have
09/03/24<3 going out
I'm going to see a friend, strangely I feel like I don't deserve her I've been so neglectful of our friendship. but I want to enjoy myself out with her.
I have my first therapy appointment next week. safe to say I'm scared shitless, but I can see and feel that I haven't changed from the person who exhausted their own relationship through a desperate need for assurance. I'm still doing it and if I'm being honest it makes me want to tear myself apart please tell my you love me please tell me you love me please tell me you love me please please please please please please sounding ass
05/03/24<3 its really sunny today
went to that appointment, it went well but I was, the most fitting word I can think is, plagued with anxiety the whole trip. Like feel like I'm gonna cry or choke or puke anxiety. I'm kinda really hoping theres a med that can stop this fear because it makes me feel pathetic. It's really sunny. I love spring, I really want to enjoy it
I rlly wanna embed my last fm onto a page but Im not bright enough to figure out how.
04/03/24<3 winter wrap up
I feel weird. I really hope things start looking up, I don't wanna waste my spring ehe.
03/03/24<3 my favourite season is starting..
feeling ill once again. everything is so confusing, i feel so lost. my sibling took me out to get a coffee and pat my back. why does everyones care feel so misplaced on me
02/03/24<3 title
still nauseous. I feel lost. I have an appointment in a few days trying to make sure i dont have to paythe government a fuck ton of money years down the line
29/02/24<3 title
Idont know what to do. i just referred myself into therapy after years of struggling but for what
29/02/24<3 uplifting rap song from my parents speakers
My family are trying to make me feel better but until I can muster the courage to tell them what's really wrong it's a little, distant. My loved ones deserve better than this. I feel like a bad person, I know everyone says that when they're struggling, but god.
28/02/24<3 i missed kaitos birthday
I've been feeling awfully anxious for a week straight, to the point of contemplating gagging over a toilet because if the nausea that comes with it.
26/02/24<3 depressed??
unwell. umotivated. unwilling and unfunny. i just want to run away, lie in some cold dark forest and let my body rot away. food for the trees.
24/02/24<3 near-monthly update
Got no motivation to fix things up around here hehe, I should come back to my site more. Life's been weird, but hopefully things are looking up :) I'm feeling a little lost with myself, hobbies feel like more work than they're worth but so do most things, maybe I'm just depressed LOL I'll come out the other side of it all kicking but for now, I think I need to work on things like my site more, create a space for myself if other spaces I have feel scary.
I have been playing minecraft again! Praying to the gods that aternos doesn't wipe my server clean on a whim again, I'm quite liking the one I have right now.
03/02/24<3 ouh
things have been weird. I miss my bunny with such ache. Still unemployed, kinda terrified of it but hey who isn't. I wish I could live with df.
11/01/24<3 I'm back!
sorry for the silence my dears! aside from making a dream diary page, I've been pretty quiet over here! I took a nice break from forcing myself to update things, started writing in my physical diary again, spent a lot of time with family and my partner and quit my job! real new year blank slate shit, even if I didn't plan for it to fall on new years teehee.
I'll be more active as I job hunt and hang out, after all website updating is (mostly) free as long as my laptop holds up. I just got home from staying with my partner for a week, god I'm so lucky. To get emotional and very sappy for a bit,, I never knew being in love and being in a relationship could feel so happy, so simultaneously calm and giddy, so trusting and warm. I thought I'd been in love before, but I've never felt anything like this. I more than love them, I adore them, I'm obsessed with them. If I could muddle our cells and melt our skin and tangle our very ribcages together we'd walk this world as one being. As us. I'm sure their sweet face will turn pink reading this, I can't wait to see them again and I miss them so much already. My future looks so bright,, my world is full of them.
07/12/23<3 oughh,,,,
I'm... attempting to quit my shoddy retail job! I am. SO SCARED! my friends, family and partner have been supporting me but man it's so scary trying to leave such a small team at such a busy time of year. But, it needs to happen. If I don't get out now, I'll spend another year pulling my hair out and hitting my head against walls and crying in the back room of that damn store. I need something calmer, something with more support. I'll see you guys on the flip side, I'm handing my notice in soon!
??/11/23<3 the hat man
Sorry for the radio silence! I've been fighting this cough for a WHILE and docs aren't rlly helping much. lol... got antibiotics the day after the last entry, but alas. still coughing. nearly 2 months now. It's bs, honestly and I have to work through it, so coughing and wearing a mask and getting snide remarks for the mask and dirty looks for coughing. Awesome.
On a happier note, I've been playing a lot of lethal company with nearly all my friends! We'll call them all Df, Geni and Topaz. Just one left to rope into it... Topaz better keep one eye open or she'll end up with a copy of lethal company in her steam library...
07/11/23<3 never work for a dying company.
I am STILL SICK. This cough has gotten worse, and now I'm having job troubles because of it. never work for a company that is careless enough with it's staff to have 'lone working' you will have crazy stress over what should be normal responsibilities and your management will be scattered and overworked themselves.
it's hard to rest when you have to call around for managers to inform you will be vomiting and unable to breathe if you came into work.
31/10/23<3trains 2 electric boogaloo
writing this entry on a train to finally see df again after three and a half long years of separation. I'm so happy.. and very nervous! my next train is gonna be interesting to find,, but it'll all be worth it when I can see df again :D
28/10/23 <3trains...
writing this from a train station with my dying phone LOL... my train got delayed so im very slowly making my way to see the fnaf movie with a dear friend. I'm not logged into my status cafe on my phone either, so 2 days until I see my darling dfbw! forgive the lack of an update until I get back home!
24/10/23 <3 itz cold
writing this while waiting for my nails to dry yayyyy :D im seeing my wonderful partner in a week ahhhh!!!!!! I'm so excited I may explode into smithereens
13/10/23 <3 happy friday 13th!
I'm sickkkkkk.... guh........ I miss my partner!!!! I've been spending every evening with him, even if we're so far apart right now. Sorry for loveposting about you, df, I hope this isn't too embarassing to see hehe. Df has the best laugh, I wanna hear it forever.
In other news, I got a call from my potential future employer!! Things are hopeful for a job with them and I am so nervous hehe. I'll be going in for a casual chat with the lady I've been emailing about the position,, wish me luck guys :O
11/10/23 <3 nervous!
potentially starting a new (full time.. scary) job soon! currently in the nervous waiting phase hehe... i could upgrade from minimum wage retail worker to a marketing assitant! so exciting!! so scary!!! if it falls through I,, gotta start job hunting again but hopefully it won't! I'm excited
05/10/23 <3 laptop guts... averted.....
I bought a usb wifi dongle (haha dongle) and it's saved me handing my baby over to a stranger as my issue was the wifi card, but a dongle doesn't need the wifi card! yayyyy I'm back in :D
02/10/23 <3 laptop guts...
my laptop has an issue with its wifi card or something... ack. . ough... I gotta take it to get its guts looked at.... wahhhh... so nervous to hand my baby over to someone but I can't do much without WiFi on it. gahhh
28/09/23 <3 title
went to a concert! stayed at a friends for a few days, have been playing a lot of vrchat in the last few days hehe. I'm trying to find an avatar that lines up with my fursona and the one I found has the FATTEST ass I've ever seen good lord
18/09/23 <3 LOOK HOW CUTE THIS PAGE IS AHHH!
Df redid this page entirely for me wahhhhh its so cute!!! 
I love this so very much wahhhhhhhh
today's been really good, it was raining super hard when I woke up, got real sunny afterwards and I've spent the day chatting with my bunny and working on my site with him 
a happy day is never wasted
18/09/23 <3 stay hydrated!
my partner finished the html for my new layout! ahhh its so cute I'm obsessed 
he's helping me transfer everything over into the new code too wahhh ♡
16/09/23 <3 gffb
getting to hear your sweethearts laugh after so long is healing hehe I feel refreshed, love is scary, but love is kind and warm and colourful. 
I'm so lucky.
15/09/23 <3 ♡HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAYSMICEZONE♡
I didn't even notice! This site is a year old!!! It turned 1 on the 31st Aug! Happy birthday my dear website! ♡♡♡ Did you know this site looked like this when it was first made?
12/09/23 <3 I had a cannula in my hand and it's still DAMN BRUISED
sorry for the total lack of updates! it's been a little weird lately, I have an infection and had to go to a&e bc I could have had sepsis wooooooo,, I made a Ralsei cosplay and went to a con as him! I still miss my partner like, crazy bad.
It's like, crazy weird to be an adult with ur parents and not knowing what's cool to tell and what'll ruin your current plans LOL.. like,, if one of them got curious enough to check out this blog my suuuper secret oh noooo (sarcasm) partner would be revealed, and it'd be pretty obvious to them who he is LOL I... don't know that many people... I'm 21 and so is my partner, for anyone who cared enough to read all this, so there's no real reason for me to hide anything. Eh, I dunno, this decision will seem like a pebble on the road soon enough
25/08/23 <3 title made of title
feeling tender today both mentally and physically i am in a deal of physical pain LOL,, i wanna play cooking sim and cuddle my partner, but we're so far apart atm, gah...
08/07/23 <3 weep like a fish VOL2 ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
wow first double entry huh,, I'm working on a self indulgent project that should take me about a month, I just got the css right for exactly the look I wanted though so I'm, very happy with that. Let's hope I don't give up huh. Feels kinda bittersweet to have figured out how to make my overlay images on the right but without my partner, he's taught me so much html it feels wrong to step without him double checking my janky writing,,
08/07/23 <3 weep like a fish
it's my partner and I's one month tomorrow! We have no way of talking right now, it's making my heart ache. I don't really know how to word this feeling but it physically hurts man. no time for sadness!!!! I gotta make him something so I can surprise him when he comes back! Jay, out! *communicator fizzing noise LOL
03/07/23 <3 bleeeeeh
Forgot to note anything down on here for a while hehe,, everything's going great! My partner is amazing, my friends are amazing, work is so-so as it is,, gahhh things have been so nice lately
09/06/23 <3 AHHHHH!!!!!
Happy pride month indeed I,,,, have a partner!! AHHH hes the sweetest ehehe I love him so much ♡♡♡ my binder is arriving tomorrow, I have a wonderful partner ahhdfjkfdkjghvh this year is so good
08/06/23 <3 h
this has been one hell of a week huh. things are, actually crazy I don't think my hearts ever beat this hard for this long before. gahhh,,, if anyone knows any wizards in posession of teleportation spells hit me up LOLLL. I gotta get down to a gay nerd a while away from me before I explode or have a heart attack. I ordered a binder!!! this is so fucking cool, scuse my language but I am SO excited. unfortunately binders and hot weather dont really go together but I'm still so very excited to try my favourite outfits without,,, the cruel and firm reminder of my body manifested in titty. ehehe,, I don't wanna talk about gender because i have no damn clue what I'm on about, even for myself, but god I am so excited for this bitch to arrive.
03/06/23 <3 happy pride month!
been a while! happy pride month, everyone! I know it's said a lot but make sure to go out and get some sun as the weather gets warmer! I've finally been going to my town's park, nature and fresh air and sunshine do wonders for a chronically online shrimp. LOL,,, I've been so full of love, feeling so loved, it's insane. Gahh having someone reciprocate just how strong you love them and not worrying about being too much is a freeing feeling. (funny when you both apologise for being too much, only to shut each other down LOLL) I'm doing well, which is brilliant news in time for sunshine and good weather. Hoping this year's summer is a million times better than the last!
09/05/23 <3 GUILTY GEAR... STRIVE.
Been even MORE into guilty gear! won my first couple of online matches on strive the other day! was super fun but I totes got my ass beat aside from like... two matches LOL. I've also been baking a lot! Still pretty lonely, but hey, spending time with my dear friends makes it more bearable.
Also happy birthday testament!
22/04/23 <3 ohhhhhhhh
things still suck. I've been baking more I guess, playing more online games with my friends, more into Guilty Gear than I was before, even. I really miss my friends, can't get to em. Or they don't want to hang out, I suppose it's one or the other. I've been playing a lot of VRchat, I'll attatch a good pic or two underneath here.
16/04/23 <3 ough..
Things have sorta sucked lately, ive had a lot of time off work and i feel awful despite it LOL, the good news is I got to hang out with two of my friends every day online, bad news is I won't get to spend time with another of my friends for what might be a long time. I wish it were easy to make and keep friends.
04/04/23 <3 BLEEHHHH
I'm sick!!! GROSS!!! flu-like symptoms or whatever. I was stuck in bed for a whole damn day. Normally staying in bed is a dream come true for a lazy and sleepy fool like me but GODDD my head felt like it was exploding and I had an awful sore throat that made me think I had tonsilitus I'm still coughing today and had to call my boss to tell her I couldn't come in, I know for certain it'd jsut get worse if I tried to talk all day,,, uguu I h8 lettin people down at work like that
Anyways, enough whining! My dear sibling who makes oh so much more money than me,,,, hm bought me Guilty Gear Strive only half an hour after I put it on my wishlist LOL,,, and Happy Chaos' DLC. I guess never put your sibling's favourite character in these tiers on a tierlist and expect to get away with it LOL
id: two images of Happy Chaos, taken from two tierlists where he is on two tiers labeled "fuck off and die" and "i fucking hate you" for laughs
26/03/23 <3 :/
two more days then im goin to a concert. I'm going to see Lovejoy with one of my dearest friends, I'm actually nervous. I dont know why, I love concerts and I know all the lovejoy songs unlike literally every other concert I've been to, I'll actually know all the words lol. Maybe it's because it's also my mum's birthday that day too, and I promised I'd make her a cake like I did my sibling, but I think I shot a bit above my skill level offering a chiffon cake... lol;;;;; anyways unrelated I've really been feeling this image today. click him to go to the tumblr post he's from!
id: autism/tbh creature on a horizon at sunset, shrowded in golden sunlight, holding a burger in it's mouth with tears in it's eyes
24/03/23 <3 bleeehhhh
bought some super dark chocolate and I dont really like it but,,, I cant bring myself to like not eat it. My stomach hurts lol. Been playing gmod a lot, if anyone wants to watch anime or video essays on gmod i guess I got the media player to work lolol
16/03/23 <3 DANGANRONPA
got back into dr somehow, I blame watching NezumiVA's DR1 and V3 vids (linked to their words lolol) while I did my nails very slowly the other day lolol I LOVE video essays. Also been super into guilty gear, but aside from fandoms I am LONELYY the town I live in drives me crazy.
06/03/23 <3 i got holiday time
got a week off work. nothing to do.
04/03/23 <3 ow
theres a bruise on my thigh that hasn't healed in over a week. it's only small and I've enjoyed its presence but I hope it goes away soon
28/02/23 <3 thirsty
there were a lot of drinks manufactured with today as their sell by date. thats a fun fact for you lolol (I broke a nail AGAIN at work moving cans too quickly) a friend of mine keeps a picture of another friend of mine in their wallet, I'm pretty sure its a joke or at least started out that way but its so cute I wanna do that too, but who and what image to put in there...
psst!! if you're reading this before march 6th both portal games are reduced to 85p each on steam right now!24/02/23 <3 the worst afternoon!!!
back to back cramps,,, oughh,,,, my sims updater broke!! agh!! must be soemthing about the new launcher :P I'm not paying for all those DLCs so I guess I'll go without lol
23/02/23 <3 nice chat
I had a really nice chat with a coworker today, its nice to feel open and safe when I'm used to masking who I am and stuff at work, she gets it. I love feeling understood, getting to leave with a bounce in my step rather than storming out glad to be rid of it all lolol. Here's to open-mindedness!
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playing - Irisu OST - Snow and Children
