jayspace | Diary

diary

29/09/24<3 i'm really tired

getting my meds changed, hopefully i stop being depressed (i know its not that simple shhh). i really miss my friends. can i pay someone to pet my head and tell me everythings going to be okay and that im a good person.

22/09/24<3 i ate like. 2 bowls of soup today

trying my hardest to make my online spaces peaceful and safe from now on, expressing myself is fine but I don't like how... echo-chamber of despair I get LOL. It's autumn! Happy autumn :) or fall, depending where you are, bundle up and breathe the cool air, remember to pack an umbrella.

17/09/24<3 I'm not dead yet

I keep having dreams that someone I miss still smiles when I talk to them. I wake up teary eyed most mornings. I'm going to try to talk to my doctors about my mental wellbeing again, I need to do something or I might not be around much longer. I don't like admitting it. never ignore your mental health, if you're depressed. it won't go away from just ignoring it.

12/09/24<3 TmT

I'm losing so many friends lol.. I laugh but it's a great source of pain. I wish I could just be liked by people. If I'm honest the way things are going at the moment is really scaring me. I'm doing my best to do all that mindfulness bullshit but it doesn't really do much when you're way past that point. I'm lonely. sorry for whining and throwing a pity party LOL I'm sure I'll be okay in the end, I always am

I'm really into danganronpa again, I wish I could time travel to college again and be 17 again. 2020? lockdown? job? 2024? what are you talking about lolol... its 2019 uwu come listen to this msi song and play ultimate custom night with me XD seesaw! hope!

10/09/24<3summers over

I nearly drove my car off a bridge the other day. I'm joking but having a breakdown behind the wheel is scary as shit. I'm going to change my meds methinks, if nothing changes I don't know how long I'll be able to keep up appearances let alone anything else LOL. On another note, there's just something about your parents referring to you like you're a little kid when you're depressed. my mother asked me "whos upset my baby" and honest to god I almost started bawling my eyes out.

08/09/24<3achy

blegh, feeling like ass lately. i miss my friends so dearly but im going to see them next month i just wish i could jump forward in time and see them now TmT its very lonely out here. I've been making paper stars to distract myself at work, and its been somewhat working so far, i hope i can keep it up

depressions got hands. I'm barely hanging on but I'm lucky to be surrounded by such loving people

01/09/24<3snnzzz

full time work makes me so damn tired. I'm exhausted. ALL THE TIME. like. I can barely function tired, its insane. maybe I need a better sleep schedule, maybe I need more vitamins, maybe I'm burnt out, I have no clue. I miss my friends so much it hurts. I miss my friends I miss my friends I miss my friends. It's far too lonely here. I love when they make me feel loved just by being themselves. sniff. I know I'll see them again soon but I wish it were sooner.

26/08/24<3nauseous..

Loss of identity. who even am I. I don't fit in with anyone in such an uncomfortable, uneasy way. I just want to belong, know who I am, know how my peers think of me and be proud of who they see. I desperately want to stop feeling lonely.

On a similar note, I've been more and more convinced that I'm autistic in recent years, but I'm far too afraid of seeking a diagnosis with the current state of how my government treats disabled people (and the fact autistic ppl are less likely to get gender affirming care in my country), I don't need much support, but the older I get the harder it is to keep up with everyone. Apparently autistic people struggle with lonliness a lot more than neurotypical people do on average, which would explain a lot of my big heavy feelings throughout my entire life.

21/08/24<3im not dead yet!

I live... so I started that new job! I'm still figuring out how I feel and desperately trying to sink into a new routine without yknow. falling to pieces LOL I'm older now! my birthday went by quietly with a sushi dinner with my family, and now summer is nearly over.

I've been struggling with depression still, and some new faces of old traumas I've never looked in the eye. In other news, I'm like. 80% certain that I'm autistic. My gerbils are both in heaven together now. It was Kiwi's time, she was an old lady. I got a tamagotchi, and I'm currently obsessed with little aliens. I think that's my life caught up on here now LOLLLL

29/06/24<3 bweeeh

Artfight is starting and im severely out of practice with drawing LOL... maybe I'll submit mass sketches to rack up points,,,, cleaned sketches of course.. but I think full pieces would kill me LOL

I miss dunmeshi so bad.. two weeks and im already frothing at the mouth. I've not had much energy to do things lately, and no money like... at all LOL. Sigh. On a sadder note, my gerbil, Kiwi, is sick. I think she's had a stroke,, I fear there's not much more time left for her. Almost a year since her sister passed,, I just hope she isn't in pain right now, her balance is in such poor shape she struggles with walking though.

26/06/24<3 i got a job!

SCARY! but I'm looking forward to the money ehe. I'm still depressed, I'm going onto a higher dose of meds soon though, so hopefully it helps.

01/06/24<3 bleh

I'm not alone. I have some wonderful friends, I just struggle to focus on them when I'm feeling helpless. I get a bit one tracked onto whatevers hurting and the rest of the world ceases to exist. I've always been particularly close to my friends, that doesn't change just because I'm depressed, they're my family. I wouldn't trade them for the world, they make my world so much brighter than if they weren't in it.

29/05/24<3 sickkkkkk

ran out of my medication a few days ago, couldnt get any more for till today and i didnt realise how much they mellowed me out. A lot of people were talking me down from things without realising they were, I'm back on it now, but the few nights I wasn't were really scary and now I need to recover LOL

I got glasses! like just over a week ago! I'm quite loving wearing them, except theyre a little tight and giving me headaches,, and sometimes they make overstimulation worse LOL real epitome of "fuck this shit im going back to 240p vision" whenever I'm overwhelmed

15/05/24<3 forever doomed

spent most of today in an anxiety filled haze. chest pains and shit. I got home from the library and keeled over and fell asleep. I didn't even notice how badly my body was asking for rest until my eyes started closing on their own. when do things start to get better

13/05/24<3 i STILL keep biting my damn lips (they're bleeding now...)

Shits still fucked but no one ever said it'd be easy, I'm fighting. How damn long does it take for antidepressants to kick in properly geez. On a lighter note, I wanna re-do some parts of my site. I feel like I've boxed myself into a layout rather than expressing myself at the moment, I might have to take some CSS books home with me to figure out how to do it myself though. Wish me luck.

03/05/24<3 i keep biting my damn lips

I got off the therapy waitlist, though its more of an online self help course, I'll still give it a shot. Shits still really weird with my life, but I have a friend nearby now! I haven't known anyone local in over 3 years so I'm hoping things will look upwards, at least a little.

28/04/24<3 standstill

Life's really weird, the more I work to repair the more distant from it all I feel. I'm trying to build new hobbies, but theyre all so dull without anyone else around LOL

18/04/24<3 checking in

I apologise for the previous entries, I've not been in a good place mentally but I have started taking medication. And I'm working to take my life more seriously, look after myself better.

I have been depressed and a lot of big life changes have knocked me off my feet. Which is a shame, because I love spring and most of it has passed me by

11/03/24<3sitting in a uni lecture!!!

I'm sitting in on a friend's lecture hehe

feeling lonely, despite everyone's care, despite spending the weekend with a beloved friend. I hate the childish response I have to my loved ones moving on. its tough no longer being someone's favourite. but I'm trying (and struggling) to be cool about it. I feel like I've been dropped down the side of the bed, maybe I'll be picked back up eventually, maybe I need to make myself cozy between the frame and the wall. I don't know, but I do love analogies.

I'm home now, and realising how alone I am. I hold a closeness like I used to with nobody anymore. I miss my friends, I wanna go back to my friends house I couldn't muster the courage to hug her as much as I should have

09/03/24<3 going out

I'm going to see a friend, strangely I feel like I don't deserve her I've been so neglectful of our friendship. but I want to enjoy myself out with her.

I have my first therapy appointment next week. safe to say I'm scared shitless, but I can see and feel that I haven't changed from the person who exhausted their own relationship through a desperate need for assurance. I'm still doing it and if I'm being honest it makes me want to tear myself apart please tell my you love me please tell me you love me please tell me you love me please please please please please please sounding ass

05/03/24<3 its really sunny today

went to that appointment, it went well but I was, the most fitting word I can think is, plagued with anxiety the whole trip. Like feel like I'm gonna cry or choke or puke anxiety. I'm kinda really hoping theres a med that can stop this fear because it makes me feel pathetic. It's really sunny. I love spring, I really want to enjoy it

I rlly wanna embed my last fm onto a page but Im not bright enough to figure out how.

04/03/24<3 winter wrap up

I feel weird. I really hope things start looking up, I don't wanna waste my spring ehe.

03/03/24<3 my favourite season is starting..

feeling ill once again. everything is so confusing, i feel so lost. my sibling took me out to get a coffee and pat my back. why does everyones care feel so misplaced on me

02/03/24<3 title

still nauseous. I feel lost. I have an appointment in a few days trying to make sure i dont have to paythe government a fuck ton of money years down the line

29/02/24<3 title

Idont know what to do. i just referred myself into therapy after years of struggling but for what

29/02/24<3 uplifting rap song from my parents speakers

My family are trying to make me feel better but until I can muster the courage to tell them what's really wrong it's a little, distant. My loved ones deserve better than this. I feel like a bad person, I know everyone says that when they're struggling, but god.

28/02/24<3 i missed kaitos birthday

I've been feeling awfully anxious for a week straight, to the point of contemplating gagging over a toilet because if the nausea that comes with it.

26/02/24<3 depressed??

unwell. umotivated. unwilling and unfunny. i just want to run away, lie in some cold dark forest and let my body rot away. food for the trees.

me, sailing away on a matchbox with a spoon oar

24/02/24<3 near-monthly update

Got no motivation to fix things up around here hehe, I should come back to my site more. Life's been weird, but hopefully things are looking up :) I'm feeling a little lost with myself, hobbies feel like more work than they're worth but so do most things, maybe I'm just depressed LOL I'll come out the other side of it all kicking but for now, I think I need to work on things like my site more, create a space for myself if other spaces I have feel scary.

I have been playing minecraft again! Praying to the gods that aternos doesn't wipe my server clean on a whim again, I'm quite liking the one I have right now.

11/01/24<3 I'm back!

sorry for the silence my dears! aside from making a dream diary page, I've been pretty quiet over here! I took a nice break from forcing myself to update things, started writing in my physical diary again, spent a lot of time with family and my partner and quit my job! real new year blank slate shit, even if I didn't plan for it to fall on new years teehee.

I'll be more active as I job hunt and hang out, after all website updating is (mostly) free as long as my laptop holds up.

07/12/23<3 oughh,,,,

I'm... attempting to quit my shoddy retail job! I am. SO SCARED! my friends, family and partner have been supporting me but man it's so scary trying to leave such a small team at such a busy time of year. But, it needs to happen. If I don't get out now, I'll spend another year pulling my hair out and hitting my head against walls and crying in the back room of that damn store. I need something calmer, something with more support. I'll see you guys on the flip side, I'm handing my notice in soon!

??/11/23<3 the hat man

Sorry for the radio silence! I've been fighting this cough for a WHILE and docs aren't rlly helping much. lol... got antibiotics the day after the last entry, but alas. still coughing. nearly 2 months now. It's bs, honestly and I have to work through it, so coughing and wearing a mask and getting snide remarks for the mask and dirty looks for coughing. Awesome.

On a happier note, I've been playing a lot of lethal company with nearly all my friends! We'll call them all Df, Geni and Topaz. Just one left to rope into it... Topaz better keep one eye open or she'll end up with a copy of lethal company in her steam library...

07/11/23<3 never work for a dying company.

I am STILL SICK. This cough has gotten worse, and now I'm having job troubles because of it. never work for a company that is careless enough with it's staff to have 'lone working' you will have crazy stress over what should be normal responsibilities and your management will be scattered and overworked themselves.

it's hard to rest when you have to call around for managers to inform you will be vomiting and unable to breathe if you came into work.

28/10/23 <3trains...

writing this from a train station with my dying phone LOL... my train got delayed so im very slowly making my way to see the fnaf movie with a dear friend. I'm not logged into my status cafe on my phone either, forgive the lack of an update until I get back home!

24/10/23 <3 itz cold

writing this while waiting for my nails to dry yayyyy :D

11/10/23 <3 nervous!

potentially starting a new (full time.. scary) job soon! currently in the nervous waiting phase hehe... i could upgrade from minimum wage retail worker to a marketing assitant! so exciting!! so scary!!! if it falls through I,, gotta start job hunting again but hopefully it won't! I'm excited

05/10/23 <3 laptop guts... averted.....

I bought a usb wifi dongle (haha dongle) and it's saved me handing my baby over to a stranger as my issue was the wifi card, but a dongle doesn't need the wifi card! yayyyy I'm back in :D

02/10/23 <3 laptop guts...

my laptop has an issue with its wifi card or something... ack. . ough... I gotta take it to get its guts looked at.... wahhhh... so nervous to hand my baby over to someone but I can't do much without WiFi on it. gahhh

28/09/23 <3 title

went to a concert! stayed at a friends for a few days, have been playing a lot of vrchat in the last few days hehe. I'm trying to find an avatar that lines up with my fursona and the one I found has the FATTEST ass I've ever seen good lord

03/06/23 <3 happy pride month!

been a while! happy pride month, everyone! I know it's said a lot but make sure to go out and get some sun as the weather gets warmer! I've finally been going to my town's park, nature and fresh air and sunshine do wonders for a chronically online shrimp. LOL,,, I've been so full of love, feeling so loved, it's insane. Gahh having someone reciprocate just how strong you love them and not worrying about being too much is a freeing feeling. (funny when you both apologise for being too much, only to shut each other down LOLL) I'm doing well, which is brilliant news in time for sunshine and good weather. Hoping this year's summer is a million times better than the last!

ID:low res image from under a tree looking up at its leaves :) it was so pretty in person

09/05/23 <3 GUILTY GEAR... STRIVE.

Been even MORE into guilty gear! won my first couple of online matches on strive the other day! was super fun but I totes got my ass beat aside from like... two matches LOL. I've also been baking a lot! Still pretty lonely, but hey, spending time with my dear friends makes it more bearable.

Also happy birthday testament!

ID:drawing of me choking out Zato-1, for shits and giggles

22/04/23 <3 ohhhhhhhh

things still suck. I've been baking more I guess, playing more online games with my friends, more into Guilty Gear than I was before, even. I really miss my friends, can't get to em. Or they don't want to hang out, I suppose it's one or the other. I've been playing a lot of VRchat, I'll attatch a good pic or two underneath here.

ID: Steven from Pokemon, Vash the Stampede and Robo-Ky from Guilty Gear dancing and doing karaoke to California Girls

ID: Axl Low in a maid dress singing karaoke to Careless Whisper

16/04/23 <3 ough..

Things have sorta sucked lately, ive had a lot of time off work and i feel awful despite it LOL, the good news is I got to hang out with two of my friends every day online, bad news is I won't get to spend time with another of my friends for what might be a long time. I wish it were easy to make and keep friends.

04/04/23 <3 BLEEHHHH

I'm sick!!! GROSS!!! flu-like symptoms or whatever. I was stuck in bed for a whole damn day. Normally staying in bed is a dream come true for a lazy and sleepy fool like me but GODDD my head felt like it was exploding and I had an awful sore throat that made me think I had tonsilitus I'm still coughing today and had to call my boss to tell her I couldn't come in, I know for certain it'd jsut get worse if I tried to talk all day,,, uguu I h8 lettin people down at work like that

Anyways, enough whining! My dear sibling who makes oh so much more money than me,,,, hm bought me Guilty Gear Strive only half an hour after I put it on my wishlist LOL,,, and Happy Chaos' DLC. I guess never put your sibling's favourite character in these tiers on a tierlist and expect to get away with it LOL

id: two images of Happy Chaos, taken from two tierlists where he is on two tiers labeled "fuck off and die" and "i fucking hate you" for laughs

26/03/23 <3 :/

two more days then im goin to a concert. I'm going to see Lovejoy with one of my dearest friends, I'm actually nervous. I dont know why, I love concerts and I know all the lovejoy songs unlike literally every other concert I've been to, I'll actually know all the words lol. Maybe it's because it's also my mum's birthday that day too, and I promised I'd make her a cake like I did my sibling, but I think I shot a bit above my skill level offering a chiffon cake... lol;;;;; anyways unrelated I've really been feeling this image today. click him to go to the tumblr post he's from!

id: autism/tbh creature on a horizon at sunset, shrowded in golden sunlight, holding a burger in it's mouth with tears in it's eyes

24/03/23 <3 bleeehhhh

bought some super dark chocolate and I dont really like it but,,, I cant bring myself to like not eat it. My stomach hurts lol. Been playing gmod a lot, if anyone wants to watch anime or video essays on gmod i guess I got the media player to work lolol

16/03/23 <3 DANGANRONPA

got back into dr somehow, I blame watching NezumiVA's DR1 and V3 vids (linked to their words lolol) while I did my nails very slowly the other day lolol I LOVE video essays. Also been super into guilty gear, but aside from fandoms I am LONELYY the town I live in drives me crazy.

06/03/23 <3 i got holiday time

got a week off work. nothing to do.

04/03/23 <3 ow

theres a bruise on my thigh that hasn't healed in over a week. it's only small and I've enjoyed its presence but I hope it goes away soon

28/02/23 <3 thirsty

there were a lot of drinks manufactured with today as their sell by date. thats a fun fact for you lolol (I broke a nail AGAIN at work moving cans too quickly) a friend of mine keeps a picture of another friend of mine in their wallet, I'm pretty sure its a joke or at least started out that way but its so cute I wanna do that too, but who and what image to put in there...

psst!! if you're reading this before march 6th both portal games are reduced to 85p each on steam right now!

24/02/23 <3 the worst afternoon!!!

back to back cramps,,, oughh,,,, my sims updater broke!! agh!! must be soemthing about the new launcher :P I'm not paying for all those DLCs so I guess I'll go without lol

23/02/23 <3 nice chat

I had a really nice chat with a coworker today, its nice to feel open and safe when I'm used to masking who I am and stuff at work, she gets it. I love feeling understood, getting to leave with a bounce in my step rather than storming out glad to be rid of it all lolol. Here's to open-mindedness!